Oil Painting: The Glorious, Messy Art of Pretending You Know What You're Doing
So you want to try oil painting? Fantastic choice. Welcome to the world of slow drying, weird smells, permanent stains, and dramatic flair.
If you've ever wanted to feel like a misunderstood genius while standing in front of a canvas yelling “WHY WON’T THIS ORANGE MIX RIGHT?!”, oil painting is the hobby for you.
What Is Oil Painting, Really?
Oil painting is when you take powdered pigments and mix them with oil (usually linseed, not olive — don’t get cute). It dries slower than your Wi-Fi on a rainy day, but that just means you have plenty of time to overthink every brushstroke. It's like regular painting, but in slow motion... forever.
What You Think You Need vs. What You Actually Need
What you think:
A beret
A glass of red wine
A tortured soul
What you actually need:
Oil paints (not the ones from your aunt’s basement from 1983)
Brushes that aren’t secretly from a dollar store makeup kit
Canvas or a surface that isn’t just your wall
Paper towels — lots of them
Solvent that doesn’t smell like you’re cleaning a crime scene
Bonus: A strong sense of humor and no attachment to your favorite t-shirt.
Expectation VS. Reality
Paint majestic mountain scene End up with weird potato hill
Mix perfect skin tone Accidentally invent new shade called “Unwell Peach”
Gracefully blend colors Accidentally erase entire painting
Clean brushes like a pro Smear ultramarine blue across your face, & floor,
Common Beginner Thoughts While Oil Painting
"This is going great!"
"Oh no."
"Why is it STILL wet?"
"Did I just make mud?"
"Maybe I’ll just become a digital artist instead..."
"Wait... I kinda love this."
Top Tips You Didn’t Ask For But Need Anyway
Don’t eat the paint. It’s not food. Even if it’s cadmium red and looks like strawberry frosting.
Read the labels. Some pigments are more toxic than your ex.
It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to exist.
Your first painting might suck. That’s the tradition. Own it.
Always wear pants you hate. You will sit on your palette at some point.
What Should You Paint?
A pear that looks suspiciously like a butt
A dramatic portrait of your dog
A mysterious blob you claim is “abstract”
A moody landscape that captures your current existential dread
Yourself, but way cooler and with better eyebrows
Bonus Round: Cleaning Up
Oil painting cleanup is a full-contact sport. It involves:
Swearing
Wondering why you didn’t just use acrylics
Finding paint in places paint should never be
Googling “can I use salad oil to clean brushes” (Answer: no, but points for creativity)
Final Thoughts: Embrace the Chaos
Oil painting is not for the faint of heart. It’s for the passionate, the curious, and the folks who enjoy a little drama with their art. You’ll get messy. You’ll question your life choices. You’ll make things that look nothing like what you intended… and that’s kind of the point.
Because behind every great oil painting is a person who started with a terrible one and just kept going.
So grab a brush, channel your inner mess, and paint like no one’s watching (because if they are, they’re probably impressed and slightly confused).
